I thought for sure I was on my way to sovereignty at work. I thought for sure it was time for me to start making my own decisions and pulling my weight, in order to increase my own work and generate some more technical problem solving.

I was wrong.

I’m back to doing grunt work and sitting around, hoping for the future. I was so zealous at times, and I was waiting for a chance to prove that I had some value, but instead it was ripped away without a shred of decency.

No man is an island, and proximity kills productivity, but it seems like the more I try to infuse culture into my poor work situation, the more I am met with opposition.

I’m a fighter. But I won’t fight forever, and I am not one to continually try to shake things up. I’m going to put my hands by my side and just do what is necessary to stay quiet and wait for rain. When the rain comes, even cloud 9 disappears, so maybe it’s just time for me to hold on and wait.

Recently I’ve been remembering this lyric from one of my favorite bands: Stavesacre, and for whatever reasons I feel that it will come true, but it’s so hard to reach it. Why am I trying to fit a lyrical verse into my life? The verse states: “Call upon my name and I will set you up on high…” a repetition occurs in my head to lift my blistered spirit to a new hope.

I’m not the king, I’m not the boss, I’m just the underling underneath the overpass of a workplace that claims non-corporate environment but is in fact corporate to the bones. There’s no shake ups, there’s no ladder to climb, because for whatever reason the big kid on the top of the jungle gym is throwing rocks at those that attempt to rise, and even those that are midway get thrown off and left by the wayside.

I am at the wayside, contemplating whether or not I should quit and run or sit and wait, wait for the checks, and see what happens.

No one likes their jobs. I’ve managed to try my best to cope, and although I lack understanding, I still try to spin a positive from a negative, but with every turn my confidence wanes and I realize that maybe I’m not such a great asset to the company.

If no one is measuring, what good is it to work so hard? If no one sees the work that is done, the foundations built, do I labor in vein? I ask these questions as my heart tells me to work as if unto the Lord, but why? I question the questions and I question my responses because I have no friends here that understand. No one can answer me because there is no one around.

Have I segregated them by being married? Have I championed a nerd kingdom of 2 or better stated, 1? If so where is God in all of this? I know that I could never be alone, but I sure feel that no matter what I do, I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall of discord. Where’s my triumph of mercy? Where is the freedom? I am free in Christ, yes, but slave to the wages of the working man, frustrated with those that don’t understand, and here I am…contemplating the end of an era for the hopes of a brighter future.

What good is it to grasp at the wind? I feel that I’m asking for the world, and getting met with the wrong answers. I ask for heat, I get a blow torch, I ask for a table I get a pencil and a pen, I ask for finances and get leaf….I’ll trade this in for the pressure of a high salary and a taste of the glory…because right now I’m feeling like Mick Foley…falling through the cage…

Further Reading

• The Deadpool
• The Ides of March
• I am a Puppet
• Effort & Time
• First Rain
• Interviewing
• Moving

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Filed under: Clerks, Professional Wrestling, big falls, cage match, dilbert, foley, i hate work, mick foley, undertaker, work sucks, wwf