I’m feeling the ides right now. The classic lines from Shakespeare still shake my foundation, and now that I’m entering the other side, the whole life that I live sounds like a lullaby, sung from a mother tongue that I struggle to not forget. Is this the beginning? Or is this the middle? I’m too young to consider this, and when I pray I seem to be nagging, because I feel weak, without the strength of Holy men and women that are so caught up with their faith that the simple things no longer shake them.

I am shaken. I am stirred. I am moved. I am full of regrets at times. I love. I hate. I fear. I cry.

I am a human being, but feel more mechanical than ever. With my schedule dead set for me, and the realities and pressures of having to make a living, the endless what if questions that ring in my head, there is just so much for me to figure out and I’m only 24 years old.

When I was 16 years old I wondered so much what my future would be like. A rebel always, I wanted to fight the powers, but now that I’m older I realize that you can fight the power all you want but it doesn’t change the fact that the power has not shifted into my hands, but rather still is in the same position, the pole position where I am underneath the world on my shoulders, trying to climb up hill and hoping for peace, yearning for something more, and content in my settlements; watching the world pass by without consequences for those that are friends with the “man” on top. (no not God, but rather a boss, a king, a president, you catch my drift)

These are my memories in a nutshell: Pushing through the day, and hoping that I can get a gentle word that is not about making money online, a new friend, a new hope, something more than just my empty words filling pages upon pages of random examples of what I have done. I just want something to hold onto and hope that it’s going to be ok, or maybe I want to be held and told those same things by someone that I trust, but it’s fleeting.

I am no longer a child.

I’m so tired. I know many of you are tired too. Let us be tired together.

In my new home I have a view of the city. Such a lovely picture, but even that picture brings me to wonder, how is it that those people can afford such great estates?

Where is my castle? I was promised the world if I went to college, and all it has given me is another boredom movement. I bought it hook line and sinker…go to college, get a degree, and now where am I?

Lamenting the whole thing.

In the midst of great joy, there is great desperation, and while some hit rock bottom to see the light, I am shattered by my own humanity.

As I ready my head to drop onto the counter at which I work, another customer comes up and asks where the new releases are….they are looking for a comedy….I point to my left….

Further Reading

• I Am Underneath
• The Balloon Burst
• Things I Learned on 2007
• Keeping an Eye Open
• Front Pages
• Ears
• Decline of Video Game Interest

Netflix Fund

Filed under: Clerks, Random Observations, lamentations, video store commentary