I watch a ton of movies, that’s a fact. In watching so many movies, some are bound to be bad. Some are bound to be unwatchable, and then there are some that I want to prove people wrong with, and fail miserable. This is three more bad movies that I just couldn’t enjoy too much, although maybe the tempura arm can save the third entry here. Trust me, don’t watch these, or buy them…unless you absolutely have to. Here you go…three terrible movies:

Meet The Spartans – I knew this was going to be bad, I knew it. However, I wanted to prove people wrong. I mean, Kevin Sorbo is in it, he can’t do bad movies can he? Yep. This movie is the worst piece of garbage I’ve seen in a long time. Seriously, this movie was just poorly executed on all accounts, and miserable to watch. I wanted to fall asleep so bad, but couldn’t. The end is just an all out crap fest, as there is just an American Idol spoof that doesn’t even work…it all fails. This movie does in fact suck, everyone was right, they need to stop making bad parodies. They need to make good parody…like they used to.

Debbie Does Dallas Uncovered – This movie had me really excited. In my day, I’ve enjoyed my fair share of classic pornography and this movie was one of the many films that were made available to me on those lonely nights. (many lonely nights actually, but lets just keep that out of the conversation) This movie was about the film that grossed quite a lot of money. However, it wasn’t as good as Inside Deep Throat, which I definitely recommend. This movie was poorly written, edited, and just stupid. They can’t find the original actress, the majority of the male leads are fat and hate life now, and only one of the actresses would talk, but only for 15 minutes. This could have been great, but instead it just bumbles through stupidity and doesn’t even explain the majority of context that surrounds the golden era in porn. It didn’t deliver and the chance for a money shot faded fast. (That was a horrible line, I know. This movie sucked…I mean was bad….bad) It’s noteworthy to say that this film was a documentary.

Southland Tales – Southland Tales was talked about as something great. It stars a lot of familiar faces, and I wanted to love it. The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) was in it, and me being a sucker for any wrestler turned movie star (IE; Hulk Hogan), had me quite excited. The delivery on this film was poor, and I really didn’t think it was worthwhile at all. The storyline is just too mashed together with high end cg work, and I just didn’t care about this movie at all. I eventually went to sleep as the credits rolled. Sorry, this movie sucked. I hear the Southland Tales graphic novel is good though.

There you go, three bad films that I had to endure. I wish I could be a movie critic that got paid, because having to see these films for my own sake was horrible. I can’t believe I sink my teeth into these films. I just don’t know why…maybe it’s just what I do.

I’m one foot back into the video store world, and these movies aren’t the welcome I expected.

Have you seen anything bad lately? If so…let me know, maybe I’ll watch it and review it in my next installment of Terrible Movies Strike Back!